103. What Self-Care Really Means for Migraine Sufferers

In this episode, I talk about what self-care actually means for women with chronic migraines. So often, self-care gets reduced to things like massages, facials, or a spa day — but for many women with migraines, that framing can feel frustrating and completely out of touch. I explain why real self-care is often much deeper, and why it has more to do with self-compassion than pampering.

I also walk through a pattern I see in many women with migraines: being much harder on ourselves than we would ever be on someone else. I talk about self-reproach, overpushing, unconscious beliefs, and why learning to treat yourself in a more caring way can become an important part of migraine recovery.

If you’re ready to address the root cause of your migraines, you can book a free consultation below.

https://www.drlesliecisar.com/apply

Free Training: 5 Proven Steps to Being Migraine Free (Even if you think you've already tried everything.)

https://www.drlesliecisar.com/5SHMN

Connect with us:

Website: https://www.drlesliecisar.com/

Free Facebook Group: Healing Migraines Naturally, with Leslie Cisar, ND

Ready to try something radically different that actually works? Read more about my approach here: https://www.drlesliecisar.com/map

In health,
Dr. Leslie Cisar

Episode Transcript

hi there
welcome to the Healing Migraines Naturally podcast
I'm your host Doctor Leslie Caesar
and I'm a licensed naturopathic doctor
former chronic migraine sufferer and
I've dedicated my life to helping other women
with chronic migraines rediscover a migraine free life
so welcome to the podcast
um if you're a returning listener and you're
you've been enjoying the content
please give us a like a subscribe
a comment
it really does help us out with the algorithms
so um
today I'm going to talk about a sort of trending uh
topic within the culture
self care
particularly for us women
this is something that is talked about quite a bit
right you know
self care what are you doing for self care
what am I doing for self care right
you have to
you have to exercise self care right
this is a really trending topic right now
and I wanna talk about it today
because it actually came up a couple times
clients this week
so
you know what do we typically think of when we hear
the word self care right
so it's like Mani pedi right massage right
that's like I think
like the top three things that come up
when we hear this word self care manicure
pedicure massage right
or maybe it's sort of like the spa experience
I'm gonna go kind of get pampered
somebody's going to pamper me and so on
I'm gonna have a relaxing experience
that's self care right
I think that's what most women
that's the imagery
that comes to mind when we hear this word
self care right
so
but if you're struggling with migraine
it's even another layer right
because when we have that migraine
and we've had to lay in the dark room for a day
two days three days
right however long it takes
and all of the other things that we want to get done
have been neglected like out and out neglected or
you know we've sort of powered through and just
you know like barely done the bare minimum right
it's like well
you know I
I I gotta go to work right
I can't take another sick day for these migraines
like I gotta white knuckle my way through that work day
I've gotta go pick up my kid from aftercare
after school you know
I gotta go to you know
the track meet right
there's so many things that if we
sort of muster enough will to
get some place to meet some other commitment
that's what we're doing right
we're not getting all of the other things done
that we wanna get done right
and some of the things are
you have to have clean dishes at some point
the dishes have to be done
the dishwasher has to be loaded and unloaded right
you
you have to have clean clothing
the laundry has to get done at some point right
so I mean
there's a lot of like day to day
like must do things that we will have to put off
I mean if you can't get out of bed
you're not gonna be loading the dishwasher
and clanking the dishes and everything
and all that noise making things worse
but then there's like the fun stuff right
you know maybe you have a hobby that you enjoy right
most people right
they're gonna do their hobby after they've done
you know the dishes and the laundry and
you know those other things
we're prioritizing you know
some of the household work before we're prioritizing
you know a hobby or
you know taking a bike ride or
you know whatever it may be right
you know for women with migraines
because we struggling right
because we're being taken down
literally so frequently that
you know
even getting the laundry in can be a real struggle
can be a real difficulty
then we've got you know
the other things we might enjoy doing like a hobby
then somebody comes in and says
okay self care right
you know we're thinking
I got a pile of laundry here
I was out down for the count for three days
everything's piled up you know
I haven't even interacted with my children in anything
more than you know
Mommy how are you
do you need an ice pack you know
interaction for a couple days
I'm not driving three hours to get a massage right
right like the
for a chronic migraine sufferer
this like
self care
talk is even more aggravating and infuriating
hi there
I wanna jump in real quick and tell you about my client
Beth she was getting 15 to 20 migraines and headaches
per month and as you can imagine
this was impacting her work performance
and her confidence she also has two small children
and she was
starting to feel like she was a horrible mom
because she had nothing left for them
at the end of the day but she reached out
and she booked a free consult call with me
and after I asked her about her migraines
and her health history
I felt confident that I could help her
I help women uncover
the root drivers of their migraines
and follow a step by step plan to dramatically reduce
the frequency by up to 90%
without adding more medication
or taking a bunch of supplements
so we built her personal migraine map
followed the plan
and now she will get one to two migraines per year
which she uses ibuprofen to treat if she needs to
verses up to 15 to 20 per month
when we first started working together
that weren't responding well to any medication
she just reached out to tell me that
she got a promotion at work
she's on top of her career again
and has been able to come off all of her migraine
medication but most importantly
she's a confident mom again
and she's attending birthday parties at Jump Zone
with her kids and saying yes
instead of saying maybe later
I've worked with women like Beth
from all over the United States
who were told this is the best we can do
but they were still willing to dig deeper
so
if you are serious about changing your migraine story
go to Doctor Leslie Caesar dot com slash apply
or tap the link in the show notes
and on our free consult
we'll map out why your migraines keep coming back
and the first three steps you can take
over the next 30 days
I do cap new client spots each month
so if the calendar is full
the doors are closed for now
but if you're done feeling helpless
and ready to do the work to heal
pause this episode for 30 seconds
and book that console call now
so
I wanna talk about what self care actually should mean
so
what's very prominent
amongst women who are prone to migraines
many of us
don't treat ourselves in a very caring
or compassionate way
a lot of times people will conceptualize this like
you know
if you had a friend come to you and share a problem or
you know
share something that they were struggling with share
you know
a a a doubt that they were having about themselves
how would you respond to them
and how does that contrast with how you actually
treat yourself in the same situation
so um
you know I'll
I'll just give a very simple example
a lot of women with migraines
so again if this doesn't apply to you
and you have chronic migraines
that's totally okay
but this is a recurring dynamic that uh
definitely I can relate to
and that I see in a lot of my clients okay
and if we're on
with ourselves right
we we will kind of
you know yeah okay
yeah I
I I might fit that mold a little bit
you might get feedback from people who care about you
maybe a spouse maybe a close friend
maybe a coworker that you're close with
they might say things to you like
you don't need to do that much
you don't need to try that hard
it's okay if it's not perfect
you know uh
really just just do the minimum here and
and let it go right
so
when a lot of us women who are prone to migraines
hear a statement like that right
this could be very enraging
very irritating right
how you know
what do you mean right
if I'm gonna do something
I'm gonna do it 100%
so
this leads to some ways of treating ourselves that may
may not be very kind it may not be very compassionate
if we had a a friend
you know say
say a coworker that we're close with
and they come to us and they say
you know I've been staying up till 1 in the morning
every night this week
working on this presentation
you know I really want to get this right
and we work with them we know the work
we know the stakeholders we know the meeting
that this presentation is gonna be presented in
and we say oh my goodness
you've been up till 1:00am
you know like it's not that deep right
it's not that big of a deal
you know like I'm sure
you know you are such a competent uh worker
I I really don't think anything you do is so good right
you I don't think
you probably need to spend this much time on it right
we would be very caring and kind
we might give this type of advice
we might say things like
you really should prioritize your sleep over this place
you know
you know if it came down to layoffs
any one of us could be laid off right
like you know
don't jeopardize your health for this place
you know work life balance right
except we might say something in a very caring way
in a very compassionate way to the coworker
or if a coworker
we might reassure them
so are we doing that with ourselves right
usually that comes much easier to us
when we are applying it to other people
and when it comes to ourselves
we're the hard taskmaster
nothing is ever good enough you
you know you should
once you said you were gonna do something
no matter how tired you are
you better get to it right
we are much more of a taskmaster
we are much more judgmental uh
towards ourselves than we are to other people
and we will then
not treat ourselves in a very caring
or compassionate way
when I realized some of these mental and
emotional dynamics within myself
and I realized that they were playing a role
in my migraines
I thought that this was just unique to me
but in my work I've come to understand
that these are recurring dynamics amongst those
amongst us women who are prone to migraines right
so this is usually something that we need to
uh take a look at
and make sure that it's not contributing
to the migraines
so what I have seen
working exclusively with women with chronic migraines
now since 2017 I can't believe like we're
we're like at nine years now
is that many women who are
prone to migraines
are not very kind
and caring and compassionate with themselves
um I've had clients where
you know
if they're in the kitchen and they're making a meal
and they drop a spoon on the floor
they'll swear at themselves how
you know stupid
that's the level of self criticism that they experience
we would never want someone that we care about
to treat themselves like that
to have that internal dialogue with themselves
but for those of us women who are prone to migraines
it's
it's relatively common right
maybe not to the extreme
where we're swearing at ourselves
but we're overly hard on ourselves
we expect more from ourselves than we would ever dream
would be reasonable to expect from other people
and you know
sometimes and it's very interesting because
within naturopathic medicine in particular
we go very specific on the symptoms that the client
or patient is experiencing
this is actually a symptom
so we might think it's our personality or
or something like that
but it's actually a documented symptom
so there's a name for this symptom
and this name is self reproaching
okay so in naturopathic medicine
we like I said
we really focus on very very specific
symptom pictures
because the symptoms that the body generates
give us the clues as to sort of what's missing
what the body needs okay
so there's sort of the flip side of this
symptom is another symptom that's called
reproaching others okay
so you have some people where like
it's never their fault right
it's always like you're you know
you're the stupid one you know
it's I'm never the stupid one
you're the stupid one right
so
there are people that have the symptom of reproaching
others where they are always blaming other people
they're never at fault
you know if they do make a mistake
well you know
I wouldn't have made that mistake
if it wasn't for this other person right
so that is sort of the flip side of that symptom
reproaching others
those of us who are prone to migraines
we are much more likely to have the self reproaching
symptom
we will treat ourselves in a very uncaring
and uncompassionate way we will have
expectations
that are not compassionate towards ourselves and
we would never have those expectations for other people
a lot of people will sort of look at this like
oh well
how would I treat a friend
what would I say to a friend
how what would I say to my adult child right
how would I
treat a coworker that I was close with
and wanted the best for
and it's very interesting when we start to think about
that
and
realize that we are being very
reproaching to ourselves
in a way that we never would with other people
and for a lot of my clients
we might do an exercise like this
we might do sort of like an inventory okay
how are you talking to yourself right
and for a lot of my clients
this is very eye opening because we don't realize right
like our internal thought
environment is sort of like the air that we breathe
or that the water that you know
fish are in right
you don't realize the environment that you're in
because it just seems very normal to you
but if we put a little focus on it
we start to realize oh wow
I'm like doing like a little tiny mistake like
you know dropping a little spoon or something
and I'm like swearing at myself right
like that's really
really good to know if that's the case
right or
you know what I would say is more common
for women with migraines is
we might be working on
you know a big project at home that's pretty strenuous
and we might be getting tired
but we won't rest we won't sit down and rest
and this is exaggerated
I think you know
in general women are
um we are more prone to
you know OK
well I'm tired
you know we're just gonna push through
we're just gonna keep going
I think there is
an evolutionary design element to why we are so
we're wired to be more prone to that type of behavior
but particularly for chronic migraine suffers right
we've all we have this
this feeling right
I've already lost so much time right
I already spent last weekend in bed
now it's this weekend now I've gotta catch up
now I've gotta get everything done
that I wasn't able to get done right
and so even though I'm tired
even though I'm starting to get a few
few taps on the shoulder here
I can't listen to those
I've got to push through
or you know
that's us like consciously realizing
uh oh I'm getting a little right
you know I've spent a lot of energy right
a lot of physical exertion
we may be consciously aware of that
but a lot of women with chronic migraines
they've kind of like disconnected from those signals
right um
there's with chronic migraines
there's a lot of disassociation that occurs
right because if we're in a lot of pain
a coping mechanism is disassociation
and so a lot of chronic migraine suffers right
we're actually sort of like
kind of out of body a little bit
we're not quite in the body
because that feels a lot better
when the body hurts a lot
and then we lose the ability
then to even perceive
some of these subtle signals
that our body is sending us
and so it can be even more challenging
for a woman with chronic migraines
to even perceive some of the little subtle signals
and then respond
in a caring and compassionate way towards herself
it can be a real real challenge
how does all of this happen right
why why does this happen in the first place
and this is really the question that we want to get to
the root
hi there
I wanna jump in real quick and tell you about my client
Beth she was getting 15 to 20 migraines and headaches
per month and as you can imagine
this was impacting her work performance
and her confidence she also has two small children
and she was
starting to feel like she was a horrible mom
because she had nothing left for them
at the end of the day but she reached out
and she booked a free consult call with me
and after I asked her about her migraines
and her health history
I felt confident that I could help her
I help women uncover
the root drivers of their migraines
and follow a step by step plan to dramatically reduce
the frequency by up to 90%
without adding more medication
or taking a bunch of supplements
so we built her personal migraine map
followed the plan
and now she will get one to two migraines per year
which she uses ibuprofen to treat if she needs to
verses up to 15 to 20 per month
when we first started working together
that weren't responding well to any medication
she just reached out to tell me that
she got a promotion at work
she's on top of her career again
and has been able to come off all of her migraine
medication but most importantly
she's a confident mom again
and she's attending birthday parties at Jump Zone
with her kids and saying yes
instead of saying maybe later
I've worked with women like Beth
from all over the United States
who were told this is the best we can do
but they were still willing to dig deeper
so if you're serious about changing your migraine story
go to Doctor Leslie Caesar dot com slash apply
or tap the link in the show notes
and on our free consult
we'll map out why your migraines keep coming back
and the first three steps you can take
over the next 30 days
I do cap new client spots each month
so if the calendar is full
the doors are closed for now
but if you're done feeling helpless
and ready to do the work to heal
pause this episode for 30 seconds
and book that console call
now what I've talked about so far
you might have heard you know
some other podcast on this topic
you might have read some blog posts on this topic
some books on this topic
and unfortunately what most people talk about
when they talk about this topic
is sort of like well
you know now that you're aware
just stop doing it okay
remember that old like um Bob Newhart skit where
he was a a psychiatrist and
you know a new patient came in and she's like doctor
I keep doing this thing and he's like
stop it right
that was his you know
profound uh
advice to her stop it right
and so this is what we're told a lot of times right
like OK yeah
you're doing this we'll just stop doing it right
just you know
try to affirm your way
positive affirmation your way out of this problem
you know just stop doing it
just exert some willpower over the situation
and just stop doing it right
if only it were that easy
nobody would have any problems
really what we want to do is understand the
the root cause
of why this phenomenon developed
for you in the first place okay
so for chronic migraine suffers
sometimes
the root of it is the chronic migraines themselves okay
and for most chronic migraine suffers
this is the first thought that they have right
well I wouldn't be thinking this way
if I hadn't spent so many weekends in bed
where I got behind on everything I wanted to do
and then have to play catch up right
so there's definitely that phenomenon that occurs
with chronic migraines right
so we've had to miss so much
we've had to lay in a dark room for so long we've had
white knuckle our way through the bare minimum that
you know we have to show up for
and just all the other chips fall right
that we say to ourselves okay
well
today's a good day or today's a relatively good day
um and so now I've got to catch up
I've got to make up for lost time
I've gotta get all the laundry done
I've gotta clean up this kitchen
I gotta get all the shopping done
I gotta catch up on all my emails right
it's like now that you know
the clouds have parted a little bit
I've gotta catch up on everything and I've just gotta
just gotta do that until I drop right
because probably I'm so behind on everything that
not even gonna catch up
so I just gotta do this right until until I drop right
let's hope for the best
so for some people that is the root of the phenomenon
okay I would say for pretty much all of my clients
this may not be the the root root
but this is there okay
the work that I'm doing with my clients is
we're actually like
I'm helping my clients restore their health
so that their body doesn't generate the migraines
anymore
and so is part of that process
we have to sort of reset some of the behavior
some of the coping mechanisms that we developed
that allowed us to survive with the chronic migraines
but if we're not having chronic migraines anymore
we don't want to
continue to use those coping mechanisms
it now it's a mismatch right
we have to have coping mechanisms
we have to make it through what we're dealing with
but if we're no longer dealing with it
we don't wanna keep using those coping mechanisms
because it's not gonna work anymore
it's gonna cause more problems
so
you know if we're working on restoring our health
and our migraines are getting better
we don't want to keep operating
in this sort of mindset of okay
you know I feel relatively good today's a fairly good
today I'm just gonna have to run
run run run
run and just get as much done as I possibly can
until I drop
that's gonna be counterproductive to continuing
to restore and improve our health
more than half my clients okay
because of the chronic migraines
they've been coping with them in this way
they've been you know
sort of forced to push themselves in ways that are not
very self compassionate
because of the nature of the migraines
so for some people
that's the only reason why they are operating this way
and we have to work on that as part of their
recovery process
there's really no deeper root to it
for most of us there's an even sort of deeper root
that's driving the self reproach
so if we don't understand that deeper root
and sort of bring that to the light of consciousness
and examine it we're going to continue to be driven
by that deeper root okay
and so then as an adult right
we might have a spouse we might have a coworker
we might have an adult child that says
mom sit down for a minute right
you've already done so much
to get this holiday dinner on the table
just you know
you look a little overwhelmed
you look a little stressed
mom sit down
I got it right just hey
we appreciate you so much
you've already done just sit down mom
we got this right
what does mom do
oh no
no no
oh no dear
oh no
I got this I got this right
all of that could be driven
from some unconscious beliefs that got laid down
due to the interactions within our family
and again
you know we talk a lot about trauma and everything else
this is not like you know
this is not like big trauma right
this can be a very loving father
this you know
this is not child abuse right
but it's just
if you've been hearing about this lazy bum
Uncle John your whole life
and he caused this havoc and he took this
and he took advantage of this
and he stole money or whatever
and then there's a little bit of
uh oh I don't wanna be like that guy
right that gets laid down there in our unconscious
we might be reacting to that
and being driven by that for decades afterwards
and not be aware of it in the least
so this is where we want to do the work to get to
what are some of these unconscious
beliefs that have been laid down right
because now we find ourselves right
we're 55 we've got grown children
we're the one doing the holiday dinner now right
the baton has been passed and we're overwhelmed
we're getting those
some pretty big taps on the shoulder
sit down take a rest
just take 10 minutes off your feet right
we can't do it
why can't we do it
we are told take some deep breaths
do some positive affirmations
do some self care
hair you know
maybe you should get a pedicure
in the middle of your holiday uh
dinner planning right none of that is gonna work right
you have to understand
the root of what's driving you to treat yourself
in a way that other people are begging you
not to treat yourself that way
and that you can't execute
when I talk about self care
a lot of times I like to use the words self compassion
right am I treating myself in a caring way
in a self caring way in a self compassionate way right
and we are many times driven by unconscious
unconscious false beliefs that are driving us
to override
our natural desire to treat ourselves compassionately
we know we have a compassionate nature
because we treat other people compassionately OK
and carefully
but we can't seem to muster that towards ourselves
so I I
I hope that this helps set
I think a more appropriate frame for what self care is
it's not the Mani pedi
it's not the facial it's not the massage right
those are all wonderful things and if we wanna
if we wanna do those things
we absolutely should do those things
but
that's not really the self care
and the self compassion that we really need to
execute and implement within our own lives
it's a much deeper level of actually
caring for ourselves actually
treating ourselves in a caring and compassionate way
multiple times right
not just once when we're forced
to to
you know if
sometimes the only time
that
women with chronic migraines
will treat themselves in a self caring
and self compassionate way
is when they're in bed with a migraine
because they have no other choice right
sometimes that's the only time
that we will actually treat ourselves in a
compassionate way
we want to treat ourselves in a compassionate way
over and over and over again
sometimes right
sometimes we do have to push through right
sometimes the
the building is burning and we gotta run in and rescue
sometimes that needs to happen
and we want to have enough resilience
and vitality to do that that's fantastic
sometimes that needs to be done
but sometimes
we're acting and behaving towards ourselves
like the building is always on fire right
when it actually isn't
and that is coming from these unconscious
false beliefs that are driving our behavior
and so self care
and self compassion is something that
we want to be able to cultivate
and implement for ourselves
over and over and over again
and that will help give us the reserves
the resiliency and vitality
we need that when there is that emergency
when we do need to push through when
you know
we do have to just will power our way through something
maybe it's you know
something that our children need from us
or our spouse needs from us
family member needs from us
we can do that and it's much easier
to do that if every day
you know on sort of the more day to day
the more you know
routine part of our lives
we're not um
we're not over exerting ourselves
and we're not over extending ourselves
we're actually able to compassionately
and caringly rest and recharge in whatever way that
that you know
feels good uh
for the individual person
so I hope this helps
put a little bit more context and understanding
around self care how it relate
to chronic migraine sufferers and how this is
for a lot of my clients an important component
of their recovery from chronic migraines
so again if this resonated for you
if you enjoy the content
please give us a like a subscribe
a comment it really does help us with the algorithms
we're really trying to get this information
out to women with chronic migraines
and again if you would like to see if I can help uh
you with your chronic migraines
I'd love to talk with you
um you can schedule a free consultation call with me
the link is in the description here
so go ahead and find a time on my calendar
and we will talk I'll ask you some questions
about what's going on with your chronic migraines
and any other health concerns that you have
if I think that I can help you
I will tell you that if I think that I can't help you
you're not gonna be a good fit
I will tell you that too so um
thanks again for joining me today
and I can't wait to talk to you soon